When you forget who you are.

I forgot who I was.   I was living each day fully present and completely absent at the same time.  I felt so full of life and empty of purpose and direction simultaneously. I felt like rejoicing, dancing and singing to my Papa and I felt like curling up in a ball and staying in my bed forever.  While let’s be real much of these hot and cold emotions could literally be from me either having a killer headache and high fever; feeling like death or being completely fine and having to issues at all.  I have been this way for two weeks, hot and cold emotions and body too.  All of this good and bad was slowly making me numb to all things both emotionally and spiritually.  This I think is something we can all relate to – feeling numb. 

Well when you live alone in Africa, what is a girl to do?  Come to Jesus.  Cast my worries, fears and anxieties unto Him.  Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.  Turn to His Word for truth, strength and comfort.  Rely fully on Him to truly provide and be my everything.  Become steadfast in mind as I full heartedly trust in Him. 

Obviously I know what to do.  I know the right actions and words.  My deepest desire is to walk each of those things out completely and effortlessly.  I completely desire to come, cast, trust and rely.  But I found myself unable to actually do those things and powerless when it came to receiving the benefits of peace and rest as I come to Him.  Something was standing in the way of my will and reality.

I believe I was choosing to believe lies.  I picked up the labels and names that others have placed on me.  In doing so I took off the labels that He had placed on me.  I forgot who my Daddy said I was.  This fault of mine was the barrier holding me back from my hearts desires to be fully dependent on Him. 

This is humbling to me not only because I know I made my Father grieve as He watched me wrestle and question who I was.  Also because I spend a good deal of time walking through life with friends proclaiming truths over them.  Humbled because He was patiently waiting for me to listen to Him.  Instead of reading, journaling, singing, praying I simply needed to sit.  This moment of surrender and new understanding came not by anything I did, but from Him and His deep always and forever love for me. 

Thank you Papa for forgiving me as I walked disobediently.  Thank you for loving me all the more and for always fighting for me to be close to you.  Thank you for speaking to me and for showing me who I am in you.  Please help my dear friends to understand who they are.  Tear down any barriers that are preventing them from believing Your Word and Your Truth.  Please whisper, yell, flash lights, or bring them to the place I was at completely broken with nothing to offer but my days on end of sitting in Your presence.

I have new eyes for the beauty of brokenness. In my brokenness, I truly had nothing to offer by my physical body and that in itself is half way here.  The beauty is that He rejoiced over all of me as I sat surrendered to Him.  I had nothing to give but my heart was to give everything I am, this is right where He wanted me.  He met me in my place of total surrender and worship and He said she is mine.  He is taking the pieces of me and He is doing everything in my life and I am in, ALL IN!

Today I am choosing to walk with more confidence and authority; a renewed spirit.  I am a daughter of the King.  I am His bondservant.  I am an encourager of the discourages.  I am a lover of children.  I am a friend to all.  I am beloved.  I am chosen by Him.  He loves me.  I am faithfully following Him.  I am gentle and kind.  I am worthy to call upon His Name.  I am more than enough for Him (even in that broken place). 

If you feel like you have been numb, isolated, or broken please know you are not walking alone.  He is alongside you in your battle and He has given you all the resources you need and the ability to thrive.  He sees your need and He is there.  He is with you every moment of every day.  In moments of darkness and selfishness, when we literally have nothing to offer but broken pieces – those moments He delights in and rejoices over our worship to Him.  He is a repairer, restorer and redeemer!  When you have nothing but pieces, confused thoughts and doubts, you are still ENOUGH my dear. 

Please join me in remembering the truth about who you are.  I am choosing one truth a day and walking confidently in that.  Join me – you have nothing but lies to loose and everything to gain!

You are loved.  Cherished.  Beautiful.  Valued.  Chosen.  Free.  Made new.  Pursued.  Safe.  Called.  Worthy.  Enough.  His Child.  Known.  Seen.  Wise.  Heard.  Understood.  Saved.  Never alone.  Strong.  Talented.  Smart.  Molded.  Transformed.  Unique.  Human.  Created.  Forgiven.  Rescued.  Treasured.  Redeemed.