Dumpster Diving

Oh golly.  You know those times when you feel like the world is spinning and you have no idea what to do,  the only logical thing to do is run away from it all and hide?  Okay, maybe that is just me and maybe running and hiding isn't the most logical option :)  That happened this week.  I was overwhelmed with the sticky situation I had oh so gracefully gotten myself into.  

To be real honest, I did not know what to think, feel, do, say or anything.  I felt paralyzed.  I was quite the hot commodity when my roommate came home and I was sitting on the floor halfway in the closet digging through a pile of sneakers looking for my running shoes to go for an 11pm run.  Yes, that really did happen.  She is oh so lovely and immediately knew something was up.  Could have been my peculiar behavior, my out of the ordinary word choice or her brilliance in knowing my heart and spirit was the opposite of resting at that moment. 

It was in this moment where in our safe friendship and unexplainable way of understanding one another that we got to go dumpster diving, one of the best past times I might add. 

They may be a little older than us, but they are enjoying themselves equally.  

Friendship and community are needed to thrive.  They need to be safe.  There is nothing more beautiful than sitting on the floor nearing midnight digging through your heart, being honest with yourself and counsel and illuminating some of the darkest places within your heart.  There is so much freedom found in the digging, scrapping and rummaging through ones heart.  What do you need to rummage through? Who is safe for you to rummage with?  Why are you placing those pieces in the dumpster?  It is time for us all to be real and be honest.  Let's dig and dig together.  

When you forget who you are.

I forgot who I was.   I was living each day fully present and completely absent at the same time.  I felt so full of life and empty of purpose and direction simultaneously. I felt like rejoicing, dancing and singing to my Papa and I felt like curling up in a ball and staying in my bed forever.  While let’s be real much of these hot and cold emotions could literally be from me either having a killer headache and high fever; feeling like death or being completely fine and having to issues at all.  I have been this way for two weeks, hot and cold emotions and body too.  All of this good and bad was slowly making me numb to all things both emotionally and spiritually.  This I think is something we can all relate to – feeling numb. 

Well when you live alone in Africa, what is a girl to do?  Come to Jesus.  Cast my worries, fears and anxieties unto Him.  Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.  Turn to His Word for truth, strength and comfort.  Rely fully on Him to truly provide and be my everything.  Become steadfast in mind as I full heartedly trust in Him. 

Obviously I know what to do.  I know the right actions and words.  My deepest desire is to walk each of those things out completely and effortlessly.  I completely desire to come, cast, trust and rely.  But I found myself unable to actually do those things and powerless when it came to receiving the benefits of peace and rest as I come to Him.  Something was standing in the way of my will and reality.

I believe I was choosing to believe lies.  I picked up the labels and names that others have placed on me.  In doing so I took off the labels that He had placed on me.  I forgot who my Daddy said I was.  This fault of mine was the barrier holding me back from my hearts desires to be fully dependent on Him. 

This is humbling to me not only because I know I made my Father grieve as He watched me wrestle and question who I was.  Also because I spend a good deal of time walking through life with friends proclaiming truths over them.  Humbled because He was patiently waiting for me to listen to Him.  Instead of reading, journaling, singing, praying I simply needed to sit.  This moment of surrender and new understanding came not by anything I did, but from Him and His deep always and forever love for me. 

Thank you Papa for forgiving me as I walked disobediently.  Thank you for loving me all the more and for always fighting for me to be close to you.  Thank you for speaking to me and for showing me who I am in you.  Please help my dear friends to understand who they are.  Tear down any barriers that are preventing them from believing Your Word and Your Truth.  Please whisper, yell, flash lights, or bring them to the place I was at completely broken with nothing to offer but my days on end of sitting in Your presence.

I have new eyes for the beauty of brokenness. In my brokenness, I truly had nothing to offer by my physical body and that in itself is half way here.  The beauty is that He rejoiced over all of me as I sat surrendered to Him.  I had nothing to give but my heart was to give everything I am, this is right where He wanted me.  He met me in my place of total surrender and worship and He said she is mine.  He is taking the pieces of me and He is doing everything in my life and I am in, ALL IN!

Today I am choosing to walk with more confidence and authority; a renewed spirit.  I am a daughter of the King.  I am His bondservant.  I am an encourager of the discourages.  I am a lover of children.  I am a friend to all.  I am beloved.  I am chosen by Him.  He loves me.  I am faithfully following Him.  I am gentle and kind.  I am worthy to call upon His Name.  I am more than enough for Him (even in that broken place). 

If you feel like you have been numb, isolated, or broken please know you are not walking alone.  He is alongside you in your battle and He has given you all the resources you need and the ability to thrive.  He sees your need and He is there.  He is with you every moment of every day.  In moments of darkness and selfishness, when we literally have nothing to offer but broken pieces – those moments He delights in and rejoices over our worship to Him.  He is a repairer, restorer and redeemer!  When you have nothing but pieces, confused thoughts and doubts, you are still ENOUGH my dear. 

Please join me in remembering the truth about who you are.  I am choosing one truth a day and walking confidently in that.  Join me – you have nothing but lies to loose and everything to gain!

You are loved.  Cherished.  Beautiful.  Valued.  Chosen.  Free.  Made new.  Pursued.  Safe.  Called.  Worthy.  Enough.  His Child.  Known.  Seen.  Wise.  Heard.  Understood.  Saved.  Never alone.  Strong.  Talented.  Smart.  Molded.  Transformed.  Unique.  Human.  Created.  Forgiven.  Rescued.  Treasured.  Redeemed.  

He loves us so.

Dear Sweet daughter of mine, 

I love you with an everlasting love.  I see you.  I see your need and I am doing all I can to be the one to comfort you, guide you, and meet you in the middle of your need.  Slow down, wait for me to catch up to you.  You are walking too fast.  Live fully in each moment, wait for me in each moment.  Let us journey together.  Life is so much better when we face it hand in hand.  Thank you for loving on my children for me.  Let me love on you for a bit, for you are precious in my sight and I love you ever more.  Come, sit, and just be with me.  I long just to see you and be in your presence.  I love talking with you often, but nothing is better than truly being together.  I am looking forward to seeing you next already.  I love you my sweet sweet girl, 

Daddy

Ps.  You will always have a special place in my heart and my lap is always reserved for you.  Come. 

A letter for you sister.

Dear Daughter of the King,

You are not alone right now.  He sees you.  He feels your heartache and He is holding you while you let the tears roll off that beautiful face of yours.  He is with you.  Please dear sister, do not pretend to have it all together, be real with where you are at.  Allow others, the loving community around you come and meet you in those moments of pain and moments of true angst and ache. Please let me love you and comfort you, but most importantly allow our Father to reach down and pick you up.  He is waiting eagerly to take you to the Rock higher than yourself.  He wants you in His Shelter, to rest and recuperate. He wants to bring life back into you worthy daughter.

Truth. You are His creation too, beautiful and wonderful. 

Psalm 91: Security of the One Who Trusts in the LORD.

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High

          Will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.

2 I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress,

          My God, in whom I trust!”

3 For it is He who delivers you from the snare of the trapper

          And from the deadly pestilence.

4 He will cover you with His pinions,

          And under His wings you may seek refuge;

          His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark.

5 You will not be afraid of the terror by night,

          Or of the arrow that flies by day;

6 Of the pestilence that stalks in darkness,

          Or of the destruction that lays waste at noon.

7 A thousand may fall at your side

          And ten thousand at your right hand,

          But it shall not approach you.

8 You will only look on with your eyes

          And see the recompense of the wicked.

9 For you have made the LORD, my refuge,

          Even the Most High, your dwelling place.

10 No evil will befall you,

          Nor will any plague come near your tent.

11 For He will give His angels charge concerning you,

          To guard you in all your ways.

12 They will bear you up in their hands,

          That you do not strike your foot against a stone.

13 You will tread upon the lion and cobra,

          The young lion and the serpent you will trample down.

14 “Because he (she) has loved Me, therefore I will deliver him (her);

          I will set him (her) securely on high, because he (she) has known My name.

15 “He (She) will call upon Me, and I will answer him (her);

          I will be with him (her) in trouble;

          I will rescue him (her) and honor him (her).

16 “With a long life I will satisfy him (her)

          And let him (her) see My salvation.”

This is a temporary battle, you will make it through this time because He is your song and your strength. He delivers you and He will cover you. He has not left your side, in fact that ease you are feeling right now is Him.  He is embracing you and reminding you that He has got it all covered.  He is reminding you not to fret, instead trust and entrust.  He loves you and He will work all things together for the good of those who love Him.  And you sister love Him deeply.  Your good is living closer to Him and in deeper communication, dependence, and alignment with His will and purpose for you.  You have never been closer to Him.  Surrender and allow Him to show up and remind you of His love and grace.

I am here to listen, to carry you, to remind you of the truths you know deep down.  You are not alone, you will never be alone.  You are loved deeply and prayed for often.  Keep walking, the journey is a beautiful one! Rest in Him knowing you are walking this well.

Unique, intricate and beautiful.

He has made each of us so differently.  He has placed different joys, passions, and desires in each of us.  You are intricately designed, formed, and molded.  The way you think is unique to you, same with the way you perceive things, and the intention you have when speaking and acting.  There is only one you in this world.  You have specific tasks that He created for you to complete.  When I look at this leaf, I think about how much time, thought, and design was placed in creating that master piece.  The craftsman must have planned working diligently and patiently.  Now, this is merely a leaf, the design was completed with human hands.  We are humans and were formed by the Hand of God.  How much more time, attention to detail, and effort was used in creating you and me? I can only imagine.  I can only imagine how proud the craftsman is of this leaf, he who faithfully carved each bit of it.  How much joy he has in I showing everyone what he has created.  God does that with you and with me.  He shows the whole world His creation.  He is proud of the work He did in you.  He uses you for His glory.  He looks at you and smiles.  He takes joy in you.

God gives each of us joys and passions aside from Him.  These unique giftings bring Him honor and glory. We are worshipping Him when we use the talents He has given us.  God’s glory is the sum of all His attributes. We must exercise the attributes that He has placed in us.  We do this best in community when we can better draw out His characteristics from one another.  In community we can live out compassion, grace, mercy, love, and so many more things of Him.   

I learn more about who I am and who He has made me to be by spending time with you.  I love how I get to see Him in you.  Embracing those attributes that He has formed in you brings me joy.  I feel that I get to understand a new piece of Him when I recognize those in you.  Truly learning how He created strengths and weaknesses in us for His glory is a wonderful thing.  I understand how much I need community.  You teach me and grow me.  You live fully for Him and spur me on to become more like Him daily.  You embody the phrase inspire through example so beautifully.  Thank you for being you.  We need more of you in this world.   

He who formed us calls us holy and blameless.  He calls us by name to be His sons and daughters.  He adopts us into His family and labels us as priests.  Please do the things that bring you joy.  Seek opportunities to love and bless others with the very things that make your heart skip a beat.  Those passions He placed in you are unique to you.  Make His Name known by doing the things you love.

Please come back to life again.

I love you.  I love you more than you or I could understand.  I love you not only with my whole heart, but with His love that fills me up.  He has placed you in my life and heart for many reasons I am sure.  I simply cannot imagine my life without you.  You are irreplaceable to me. 


With that, my heart breaks when I see you or talk with you.  My heart hurts to see you held in chains.  I weep at the thought of you passively watching your life go by.  I have countless hopes and dreams for you, yet to be fulfilled.  I see so much in you that He wants to use, grow, and affirm.  I see how He is pursuing you continually.  He is romancing you day by day, and you are not seeing it.  You are so focused on yourself that you are missing the God of the universe perusing your heart!!  I see you stuck still, held captive, and immovable by choice.  I desire so much more for you, and He desires so much more for you too.

"The Lord's bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged, with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition, if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will." 

2 Timothy 2:24-26

I know that it is scary.  It is hard, but it is time to repent, to turn from your ways and choose His ways.  His perfect love will cast away all your fears.  It is time to release yourself from this bondage.  Jesus came and gave you true freedom and real joy.  He suffered. He was bound to the cross and He chose to stay there for you.  It must have been hard and scary, but He chose to trust.  You need to choose Him.  You need to choose freedom.  You need to choose to trust.  I am not saying this path will be easier, but it is the right path.  By choosing to release yourself from this bondage you will receive Him and Him to the fullest.  You will have life breathed back into you.  You will have joy in abundance! He has been fighting for you this whole time, but the time for you to change your ways is now.  

"It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to the yoke of slavery." 

Galatians 5:1

I pray that you release yourself, that you cut away the chains holding you back.  I will be right here waiting.  I will be waiting with open arms to embrace you, listening ears to hear your story, and feet ready to walk this journey with you.  You are not alone.  God has gone before you, He is with you now, and He is behind you too picking up all the broken pieces.  I know it can be scary and there is fear in change, but I promise you this change is Good.  Entrust yourself to Him.  Commit your life to Him.  Place your hope in Him. 

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to captives and freedom to prisoners; to proclaim the favorable year of the Lord and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn...then they will rebuild the ancient ruins, they will raise up the former devastations; and they will repair the ruined cities, the desolations of many generations." 

Isaiah 61:1-4

I will never stop fighting for you.  I will continue to pray for you.  I believe you will be freed from this stronghold in your life.  I will keep speaking truth to you.  I will not give up.  You are worth it and I love you!

Psalm 84:11-12

Holy cow.  No Good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.  Absolute truth, no Good thing.  Who decides what Good is? He is Good. He decides.  There have been so many times that I have not gotten what I wanted, or what I thought He wanted for me...why? Because He decides what Good is.  He is the author and orchestrator of my life, He knows my next step and knows every season.  Goodness God is mighty and powerful.  


The Lord is a sun and a shield.  He protects me from those things that my flesh say are good.  His Light reveals those places deep within me that hold my deepest desires.  He illuminates my darkness transforming me more and more into His image.  He shields me from things that are not beneficial for me.   God is so stinking good and more faithful than I could ever comprehend.  


How blessed is the man who trusts in You.  There are big things, and little things in this life.  There are the obvious and the confusing.  If I trust in Him I will live a life of thankfulness, without worry and minimal anxieties. God is faithful this I know and believe.  If He is truly faithful, and I believe His truths and Word - No Good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly AND The Lord is a sun and shield - how could I not have my complete trust in Him.  He has my best in mind, He will complete the work that He has began in me (Phil 1:6). God has it all covered.  In His perfect and beautiful timing I will see His glory.  


Because I am human many times I lack trust, I lack faith, and I do not always believe His truths.  The Lord gives grace and glory.  He extends grace to me.   The King of the universe extends grace to me...crazy I know.  I am blown away by His great love for me.  

This is so hard for me to comprehend:
1) He illuminates my heart and pursues my darkness to bring it to light.  
2)He protects me from anything that does not benefit me.  He protects me from being broken, damaged, and adding more scars to my heart. 
3) He gives me grace when I do not trust or when I fail.  He has done so much already, yet still He gives more. 
4) He does not withhold any Good thing from those who walk with Him. How is that even possible? Everything I receive is a gift from Him, even the denial of my hearts wants. He gives what is Good for me, and shields me from what is not. 
5) How blessed. Seriously though...how blessed are we?! 
6) Trust. Surrender and believe in His truths.  He knows you intimately.  He illuminates your heart, he shields your heart, He gives you what is Good...trust in His plan and that He will give according to what is Good.  


I am overwhelmed with thankfulness for our God. 

Psalm 139.

Psalm 139

1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.

2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

          You understand my thought from afar.

3 You scrutinize my path and my lying down,

          And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.

4 Even before there is a word on my tongue,

          Behold, O LORD, You know it all.

5 You have enclosed me behind and before,

          And laid Your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

          It is too high, I cannot attain to it.

7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?

          Or where can I flee from Your presence?

8 If I ascend to heaven, You are there;

          If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.

9 If I take the wings of the dawn,

          If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,

10 Even there Your hand will lead me,

          And Your right hand will lay hold of me.

11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,

          And the light around me will be night,”

12 Even the darkness is not dark to You,

          And the night is as bright as the day.

          Darkness and light are alike to You.

13 For You formed my inward parts;

          You wove me in my mother’s womb.

14 I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

          Wonderful are Your works,

          And my soul knows it very well.

15 My frame was not hidden from You,

          When I was made in secret,

          And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;

16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;

          And in Your book were all written

          The days that were ordained for me,

          When as yet there was not one of them.

17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!

          How vast is the sum of them!

18 If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.

          When I awake, I am still with You.

19 O that You would slay the wicked, O God;

          Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed.

20 For they speak against You wickedly,

          And Your enemies take Your name in vain.

21 Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD?

          And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?

22 I hate them with the utmost hatred;

          They have become my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;

          Try me and know my anxious thoughts;

24 And see if there be any hurtful way in me,

          And lead me in the everlasting way.

Pride.

Growing up I always thought that pride was only a man's struggle, that as a woman I was free from dealing with my pride. Ha, what a lie I was fed.  Clearly I was wrong and prideful in this thinking...ironic much? Anyway, I was reading a book a few weeks ago and this poem spoke to me, it showed me just how prideful I can truly be if I am being honest with myself.  There have been moments since I read this poem that my actions have stood out to me.  This poem has stuck with me, and slowly but surely I am being refined.  Praise the Lord for His patience and grace in this aspect.  I thought I would share with you too my sweet sister.  Really sit and ponder these words, allow the Lord to use this poem to refine you too.   Don't let pride cheat you of what God has for you, He has so much more. 

My name is Pride.  I am a cheater.

I cheat you of your God-given destiny...because you demand your own way.

I cheat you of contentment...because you 'deserve better than this.'

I cheat you of knowledge...because you already know it all.

I cheat you of healing...because you're too full of me to forgive.

I cheat you of holiness...because you refuse to admit when your wrong.

I cheat you of vision...because you'd rather look in the mirror than out a window.

I cheat you of genuine friendship...because nobody's going to know the real you.

I cheat you of love...because real romance demands sacrifice.

I cheat you of greatness in heaven...because you refuse to wash another's feet on earth.

I cheat you of God's glory...because I convince you to seek your own.

My name is Pride.  I am a cheater. 

You like me because you think I'm always looking out for you.

Untrue.

I'm looking to make a fool of you. 

God has so much for you, I admit, but don't worry...if you stick with me you'll never know. 

While portions of this are convicting to me, others are encouraging also.  We have the ability to live differently in Him.  In fact, we are called to live differently.  Jesus is our example, follow His lead.  Remember what C. S. Lewis said too, 'Humility is not thinking less of yourself, rather thinking of yourself less.'   We are not here to live for ourselves, we are here to live with purpose and intention for Him and them. 

'When pride comes, then comes dishonor, but with the humble is wisdom.'     

Proverbs 11:2 

'Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.  Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus.'

Philippians 2:3-5

'He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?' 

Micah 6:8